Going for a Walk

“All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking.” 

― Friedrich Nietzsche

By Rey P.

My New Year’s resolution this year is to get out of the house and walk more. You’d think walking is one of the most relaxing things to do. To exercise and get your body moving. As a socially anxious person, I can tell you that walking outside is yet another trigger. Sometimes the anxiety gets so bad that as soon as I step out of the house, I change my mind and turn around.

When I do make it out of the house I deal with intrusive thoughts from the very beginning. I usually wear earbuds and dark sunglasses to avoid making eye contact with those I may encounter along my route. The music that I listen to helps me keep focused and also as an attempt to drown my thoughts. This is what I deal with while I am out walking:

I look ahead and see someone walking towards me and I begin to get nervous. What will they think of me? What if they laugh at how I look? What if they think I dress funny?

Living in a big city isn’t ideal for a pleasant walk. Too many people around. I walk past with my head down and once they have passed, I release my breath. This happens every single time I encounter anyone. Next are the drivers. I come upon a stop sign where a car waits for me to cross. I immediately feel the driver’s eyes on me. I walk as fast as I can, with y head down. I dare not look up. I feel if I do, the drivers and passengers will all be looking at me. Judging me, making fun of the way I walk.  Now I have to cross the main street where too many cars await the green light. I walk across the street as they stare (at least I feel they are). Same thoughts run through my anxious mind. They are surely judging how I walk, how I look, and what I’m wearing.

By the time I get home, I am both physically and emotionally exhausted, and it takes me quite a while to gather myself.

My space at home is much too small for a treadmill. I could go out, drive to a more empty area, hiking trails, a park, the beach. But being away from home for a long time makes me even more anxious. My walking route is about a 5-mile radius from home (my comfort zone). On the rare occasion, I do go out to a park, especially when it appears to be empty. Joining a gym is completely out of the question.

There are a lot of things that are difficult for a socially anxious person to do. No, we are not lazy to go on walks or to exercise. We simply cannot function as a normal person. We need preparation time, not only in body as far as stretching and warming up. We need to prepare mentally.

If your loved one is struggling with social anxiety (or general anxiety for that matter) please, please, be patient and kind. Don’t push them or make them feel like they're lazy. Support them, encourage them in a way that isn’t judgmental. Most important, understand them. Be kind. 

Making Friends

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” 
― Elbert Hubbard

by R.P.

One of the hardest and frustrating aspects of Social Anxiety is the feeling of loneliness. Due to the fact that, in my case, going out to socialize and meet new people is terrifying. Over the years I have met and made friends at work or in support groups but I cannot seem to keep them. I want to be able to connect with others but my social skills are non-existent. A few years back I was working in an office as a dispatcher. This was before I experienced my first panic attack, which consequently led to my Social Anxiety diagnosis. My official diagnosis was Generalized Anxiety Disorder with severe Social Anxiety tendencies. This of course includes other symptoms I mentioned before -like obsessive thoughts within a social setting.

Anyway, back to my story. My job was to dispatch technicians to various sites to repair cash registers. I really enjoyed that job because all I had to do was sit at a computer with an Excel spreadsheet, a map of the western United States, and a cup of coffee for all of 4 hours. For the most part, my co-workers were easy going and left me alone to do my job. I would say hello to them every morning, small talk throughout the day, and goodbye at the end of my shift.  Many times I was invited to get together after work, happy hour, a few birthday parties, but I always refused to go.  It was difficult for me to explain to them why.  I was afraid they would think I was crazy and possibly lose my job. (Obsessive thoughts, I know). After a while, they stopped inviting me anywhere. This made me feel both relieved and sad at the same time.

After my diagnosis in 2002, I was out of a job for about six months during which I underwent treatment. My anxiety was under control. Though I still experienced obsessive thoughts, I was functional and landed a retail job at a grocery store. Here I met an amazing friend. Within weeks we became pretty close. I told her all about my diagnosis and she was very supportive for a while. It didn’t last. Here’s why:

I am not good with relationships. I tend to be clingy. Not because I want to annoy you or because I want to control you but because I am afraid of not being a good friend back. I will constantly check on you, ask if you’re okay. My insecurity is pretty high. I want to be the best friend I can be, which then leads to me throwing an overprotective shield around you. I come across as obsessive and controlling when all I really want is to be at my best so that I can maintain our friendship.

It’s difficult for me to make friends and almost an impossibility to keep them. Now, at 42, I have come to accept that I’m okay with it. Now I have a beautiful person who understands me and knows my daily struggle. I know for a fact that my partner would move heaven and earth for me to be okay because she has shown me that no matter what I'm fighting on any given day, she will always be there to support me and catch me when I fall. Do I regret my lonely years? I do. But I have learned to keep looking ahead and not back. The future looks brighter now. In social media, out of all places, I have met some great people, which was my motivation to start this blog. I want them to know more about who I am and why I am the way I am. I will continue to improve as a person and friend.   

Shopping

We all know just how stressful the holidays can be for everyone. If you struggle with social anxiety, you know this time can be emotionally draining. First, you find that more people are out and about doing their shopping and being all festive and whatnot. While others await this season with exigent, my anxiety goes through the roof. Here is why:

Because of social Anxiety I have found small ways in which to minimize my anxiety. Though I am not a morning person, if I have to shop for groceries, I always do it early in the morning. This is how it has been for years now, since before my diagnosis. I know that there are grocery delivery services to avoid the store altogether, but I want to feel that I am still able to function in small ‘normal’ way.

I still get anxious when I do the grocery shopping, though. I never expect the store to be empty; that’s unrealistic. There are others around and I often get anxious when I start to think that they are looking at me, at what I have in the cart and feel that they're judging me for what I'm buying. I keep my head down. When I encounter a fellow shopper down the same isle, I turn around and go a different way. If I am browsing items and someone else stands next to me to look at the same item, I immediately pick one out and move along.

My anxious brain is always telling me that everyone is looking at me. They are making fun of me, of what I’m wearing and what I buy. When it’s time to pay for my groceries, a new wave of anxiety hits. I have to put my groceries on the conveyor belt which means people will be looking at what I have picked up. What will they think of me? If I buy a TV dinner, they will think I don’t know how to cook. If  I buy detergent, do they think I picked a bad brand? If I buy canned soup do they think that’s all I eat? Every single item that I place on the belt causes great anxiety.

Now there is a person behind me in line. What if they get mad that I have too many items? What if they want to make small talk while we wait? Ok, it’s my turn to pay. I must have my money ready. What if I drop it? People will laugh at me, the cashier will get mad, the people behind me will become impatient…

My rational brain understands that everything I mention above is not happening. But the problem with obsessive thoughts is that they take over. I cannot control them. At the end of the ordeal, I feel emotionally exhausted. I do feel a bit of pride knowing that I did it!

Thankfully I do most of my Christmas shopping online. Imagine trying to go to a mall to do that? The mere thought makes me jittery.

Living with SAD is not easy but we find ways to function in our own ‘normal’ way. 

Living with S.A.D (Social Anxiety Disorder)

Hello, everyone, and welcome to my blog!

I created this to help those dealing with Social Anxiety understand that they are not alone. Also, as a bridge to help families of those with S.A.D get a glimpse of the struggles of a socially anxious loved one. 

Each day I hope to be bale to share with you the struggles I deal with day to day. From small tasks like shopping from groceries to big (possibly life changing) events like a job interview. 

First I'd like to share a bit about myself. I am forty-two, living in a big city (Los Angeles). I was diagnosed with S.A.D at the age of twenty-seven after I suffered my first panic attack. 

I spend a lot of time by myself, currently working as a nanny of three children which is basically my only social interaction. I love what I do but do wish I could do more. 

I hope together we can make sense of this disorder. Please come back and see what other things I will post here. Feel free to comment bellow. Let me know how long you have lived with SAD and what your daily life is like.  Share this if you know of anyone who like me, struggles with SAD.

See you soon!