Eating Out

“This feeling will pass. The fear is real but the danger is not.”

― Cammie McGovern

If you ever see me at a restaurant you will find me in the corner booth, facing the wall.

Imagine sitting at a restaurant attempting to have a nice dinner when suddenly everyone around you stops what they’re doing so they can look at you. Everything goes quiet except for your chewing. A sound which feels like the entire world can hear.

This doesn’t happen, of course, except in the life and mind of a socially anxious person. For me, going out to eat at a restaurant is as stressful as going to the dentist! So why do I do it? I think I want to be normal and do what normal people do just so that I know that I can.

This happens everywhere, whether is at a fast food chain or a sit-down place. The process is always the same. First thing I do is survey the parking lot to get a sense of how crowded it might be inside. Next is opening the door and hoping there is no waiting. I cannot deal with sitting around and wait to be seated because I feel that everyone is staring at me. Judging me. If there is waiting time, I usually step outside and wait to be called.

Next comes the sitting options. Booth. Always the booth at the corner. The hostess walks us to our table and I feel everyone’s eyes on me as we walk past other patrons. I can feel the heat rising to my face. My heart begins to beat faster and my anxious mind takes over. This is what it makes me think:

Everyone is looking at you. They’re wondering why you dress the way you do. They’re laughing at you. You’re blushing. You’re forty-years-old and you’re blushing!

By the time I reach the booth I am in a complete state of panic. I still have to deal with the waitress and wait for my food. Once the food arrives I worry that others will see what I have ordered. That they will make fun of me. I take a deep breath and try to enjoy my meal. But I can’t. Every bite I take is with caution because I feel that I am being looked at the way I eat.

Afterwards I feel completely drained. As my tensed muscles begin to relax, I can feel pain everywhere! You’d think I was hit by a bus! How can a simple thing become so exhausting? I wish my rational brain would beat my anxious brain or at least give me a break!