Making Friends

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” 
― Elbert Hubbard

by R.P.

One of the hardest and frustrating aspects of Social Anxiety is the feeling of loneliness. Due to the fact that, in my case, going out to socialize and meet new people is terrifying. Over the years I have met and made friends at work or in support groups but I cannot seem to keep them. I want to be able to connect with others but my social skills are non-existent. A few years back I was working in an office as a dispatcher. This was before I experienced my first panic attack, which consequently led to my Social Anxiety diagnosis. My official diagnosis was Generalized Anxiety Disorder with severe Social Anxiety tendencies. This of course includes other symptoms I mentioned before -like obsessive thoughts within a social setting.

Anyway, back to my story. My job was to dispatch technicians to various sites to repair cash registers. I really enjoyed that job because all I had to do was sit at a computer with an Excel spreadsheet, a map of the western United States, and a cup of coffee for all of 4 hours. For the most part, my co-workers were easy going and left me alone to do my job. I would say hello to them every morning, small talk throughout the day, and goodbye at the end of my shift.  Many times I was invited to get together after work, happy hour, a few birthday parties, but I always refused to go.  It was difficult for me to explain to them why.  I was afraid they would think I was crazy and possibly lose my job. (Obsessive thoughts, I know). After a while, they stopped inviting me anywhere. This made me feel both relieved and sad at the same time.

After my diagnosis in 2002, I was out of a job for about six months during which I underwent treatment. My anxiety was under control. Though I still experienced obsessive thoughts, I was functional and landed a retail job at a grocery store. Here I met an amazing friend. Within weeks we became pretty close. I told her all about my diagnosis and she was very supportive for a while. It didn’t last. Here’s why:

I am not good with relationships. I tend to be clingy. Not because I want to annoy you or because I want to control you but because I am afraid of not being a good friend back. I will constantly check on you, ask if you’re okay. My insecurity is pretty high. I want to be the best friend I can be, which then leads to me throwing an overprotective shield around you. I come across as obsessive and controlling when all I really want is to be at my best so that I can maintain our friendship.

It’s difficult for me to make friends and almost an impossibility to keep them. Now, at 42, I have come to accept that I’m okay with it. Now I have a beautiful person who understands me and knows my daily struggle. I know for a fact that my partner would move heaven and earth for me to be okay because she has shown me that no matter what I'm fighting on any given day, she will always be there to support me and catch me when I fall. Do I regret my lonely years? I do. But I have learned to keep looking ahead and not back. The future looks brighter now. In social media, out of all places, I have met some great people, which was my motivation to start this blog. I want them to know more about who I am and why I am the way I am. I will continue to improve as a person and friend.