Texting

Everybody ought to do at least two things each day that he hates to do, just for practice. ~William James

by Rey

Texting is such a wonderful tool for us, SAD people. The days of phone calls have come and gone! We no longer have to make a dreaded phone call. At least until we are forced to. An emergency call, for instance. If I am stuck on the side of the road, I’ll probably attempt to make a phone call ten times before I work up the nerve to actually do it. When my cell phone rings is as if I’ve received an eclectic shock. My heart drops, my hands begin to sweat, all this before I even see who is calling me! If it’s a number I don’t recognize, forget about it, I will ignore it. If it’s someone I know, I wait for the call to go to voicemail. Answering a phone call is one of the hardest things for me to do. Then my anxious brain takes over. After I let the call go to voice mail, I begin to think. What if it was an emergency? What if something bad happened? What if someone is in danger? I immediately check my voice mail. Most of the time (thankfully) there are no messages which in my mind it means that it was not an emergency. I then text the person that called me with, ‘Did you call?’ Nine times out of ten it’s for no particular reason. Just to ‘check on me.’

Though texting is my preferred method of communication, it still gives me a great deal of anxiety. I compose a text then read it and re-read it to make sure there are no mistakes, no misspelled words. Once satisfied, I hold my breath as I hit the SEND key. Then the anxiety kicks in. Immediately I check the message I sent just to make sure, once again, that it contained no errors. No errors? Good. Now I can relax right? Of course not. They are not answering my text. Now my thoughts take over.

What if I said something wrong? What if I’m bothering them? What if they think I’m annoying? What if I sent it to the wrong person? Are they mad at me?

The longer I wait for a reply, the stronger my anxiety becomes. My heart beat accelerates, hands shake and perspire, my breathing quickens. An immense feeling of dread grows in the pit of my stomach, making me nauseous. That feeling is followed by one of regret. Why did I even text them?

When my anxiety is at its peak, my anxious brain cannot listen to my rational mind.  It doesn’t understand that people are busy! That just because they have not replied doesn’t mean is because of something I said. They simply don’t have time at that moment to answer me!

Once the reply comes through, I feel like my body is melting. The relief is such that I feel I might fall to the floor. I don’t know if you have experienced an accident, even as minor as a fender bender. That rush of adrenaline you get once you realize that you’re okay, that everything is okay. That’s the feeling I get after my text gets answered. That is what happens with ONE text. Though it is a helpful tool for me and my anxiety takes over, it’s still better than making a phone call.

I have come to accept Social Anxiety as part of me because, after all, it has been with me my entire life. I am always working on ways to minimize my anxiety in different situations and most of the time it works. I am still a work in progress.