Out to the Ballgame

“If you don't think too good, don't think too much.” 
― Ted Williams

There have been a few times over the last couple of years when I felt brave enough to attend one of the most crowded places that I have ever been to. I am a huge baseball fan and over the years have had the opportunity to attend a few of my favorite team’s home games.  It might sound like fun, and admittedly for a normal person can be a great experience. What can be better than cheering for the home team, eat hot dogs and peanuts, pretzels, and cotton candy? For me this experience is accompanied by a great deal of anxiety. Some have asked, “Why would you want put yourself through that ordeal?” The honest answer is that I am not quite sure. I assume one reason is that I want to do what ‘normal’ people do. (I know I use the word ‘normal’ quite a bit in my blog. Perhaps I will discuss my reason for this in my next post.)

My anxiety begins days prior to the game. I need an extensive amount of time to emotionally prepare myself for such an event. The thought of being surrounded by thousands of people is absolutely terrifying. I tell myself that everything will be alright; after all, this too shall pass.

As the evening of the game approaches, my anxious brain begins to work against me. There have been a couple times when I end-up canceling altogether. I tell myself that I am better off watching the game on television. Other times I will myself to do this one thing. One game and I never have to do it again!

So there I am walking toward the entrance. Here’s the thing: In order for me to feel a bit more relaxed is if I arrive at the stadium at least an hour and a half early. This takes care of two things: One, I get a good parking spot, which really isn’t my main concern. The main reason for this is that the earlier I arrive, the less crowded the seats will be, which means that I can comfortably find my seat without disturbing anyone. Once I locate my seat and ensure that there are no other fans in the vicinity, I make the one and only trip to the ladies room because once the game begins I will not leave my seat. No, it’s not because I don’t want to miss a minute of the action as far at the game is concerned. The reason is that once the seats begin to fill up I cannot leave my seat because I don’t want to disturb my neighbors.

As much as I try to enjoy myself, as I see everyone around doing, it’s excruciating. I am too afraid to cheer because I don’t want to attract attention, even though everyone around me is screaming their heads off! I do not buy any drinks to avoid a second trip to the ladies room. I do not buy food. For one it’s so damn expensive! But the main reason for that is that I refuse to eat in public, especially when the public is a full baseball stadium. This is what goes on in my mind as I try to concentrate on and enjoy the game:

Everyone is looking at you.

Don’t cheer! Don’t make a sound because everyone will turn to look at you.

They are making fun of you.

They all think you look stupid.

They are judging your every move.

Please don’t let the jumbotron spot me.

Why did I come?

I am never doing this again.

My brain is a constant web of intrusive thoughts that I can’t control. By the time the experience is over I feel completely drained and can’t seem to get back to my normal thoughts. My brain feels hazy and can’t come out of the fog. It takes me a good week to get back on track. During that week I feel like I have done something wrong. I keep going back into my memory looking for moments during the game when perhaps I cheered and someone made fun of me. I cannot shake that feeling for days!

I want to be able to do things that are supposed to be fun and entertaining. I want to be able to attend a baseball game without mentally exhausting myself. I want to go to the movies or a concert, a play and even attend my niece’s soccer games but each of these things makes me anxious.

Not everyone understands what I deal with and it’s not easy to convey these thoughts to help those near me know me a little better. If you or a loved one is struggling with Social Anxiety, please, please be kind (I know I say this a lot but please believe me, it matters). Be mindful of how different an anxious brain operates and how tiring it can be. If they do happen to tag along to a baseball game, ask them if they are okay, tell them that everything will be alright. Most of the time we feel like a burned and one word of support and encouragement can make a world of difference.