Work in Progress

“Your purpose in life is to find your purpose and give your whole heart and soul to it” 

― Gautama Buddha

By R.P.

Living with Social Anxiety is not easy. Being part of society can be debilitating and the thing is WE HAVE TO. In order to survive, we need to be part of it. We need jobs, we have bills to pay and we have to eat, obviously. I can say that Social Anxiety has put me in a bad spot but I also have to place some blame on myself. After all, I am in charge of my life, right? Well, it isn’t that simple.

Over the past two years, I have attempted at least half a dozen job changes. Currently, my job at a grocery store has become extremely stressful as I am dealing with PTSD, which has recently been triggered by a new position (a different story for a different time). Anyhow, here is what go through when searching for a new job:

I get animated and feel confident that this time it will be different. I am a computer nerd. I am always looking to learn new things and implement what I learn in different ways. I am confident that my skills are strong enough to not only find a proper job, but to thrive! The application process is not as bad one would think and once I get called in for an interview, my confidence increases. The interviews that I have attended have gone smoothly and my anxiety appears to be under control. Once an offer is made I am ecstatic and my confidence doubles. At times I don’t recognize myself and want to believe that this time, yes finally this time will be different. This is it!

As the first day approaches, my anxiety slowly creeps in. I begin to doubt myself as my anxious mind takes over.  Still, I am able to make it through those days. It’s amazing to me how I can go from feeling so alive and invincible to feeling small and irrelevant.  When the first day arrives I am a complete mess. I arrive at the site and sit in my car for what feels like hours, unable to move. I will myself to walk inside but I can’t. I have a complete meltdown and I fall into a deep hole where my intrusive thoughts feast on my weakness:

-You are not cut out for this.

-You have no business being here.

-Nobody will like you.

-They will make fun of you.

-Imagine all the eyes that will be on you.

-They will think you are not good enough.

-You are not good enough, actually.

-You can’t do this.

I drive back home feeling defeated. I don’t even have the decency to contact management and let them know I am unable to go in. This happens EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. No matter how hard I try, I fail. So I continue to deal with my current job unable to tell management why it is that I can't be behind a cash register. (Again, a story for another time)

Patience has a different meaning for people with anxiety ­–at least for me. First I must be patient with myself. I need to remember that I am not the only one in the world dealing with this illness. There are millions, who like me, struggle to make a living. I also know that many others who deal with this illness have good jobs and can function day to day. I want to believe that one day I will part of that.

If your loved one is struggling to make a living due to anxiety, I ask for your patience. They are not lazy; they are not taking it easy nor are they enjoying asking for or accepting help. Know that they are in a constant battle with themselves. No, they don’t deal with the stresses of daily life, of deadlines and emails, meeting and traffic. Their stress is born out of desperation of not having a job, having to pay bills and not knowing how they will make it through the next month. Please be kind.

If you are struggling to find work due to anxiety, please be patient with yourself. Remember that you are not alone. Take care of yourself and never feel that you are not doing enough, that you are not contributing because you are, even when you feel otherwise. We are in this together.