Shopping

We all know just how stressful the holidays can be for everyone. If you struggle with social anxiety, you know this time can be emotionally draining. First, you find that more people are out and about doing their shopping and being all festive and whatnot. While others await this season with exigent, my anxiety goes through the roof. Here is why:

Because of social Anxiety I have found small ways in which to minimize my anxiety. Though I am not a morning person, if I have to shop for groceries, I always do it early in the morning. This is how it has been for years now, since before my diagnosis. I know that there are grocery delivery services to avoid the store altogether, but I want to feel that I am still able to function in small ‘normal’ way.

I still get anxious when I do the grocery shopping, though. I never expect the store to be empty; that’s unrealistic. There are others around and I often get anxious when I start to think that they are looking at me, at what I have in the cart and feel that they're judging me for what I'm buying. I keep my head down. When I encounter a fellow shopper down the same isle, I turn around and go a different way. If I am browsing items and someone else stands next to me to look at the same item, I immediately pick one out and move along.

My anxious brain is always telling me that everyone is looking at me. They are making fun of me, of what I’m wearing and what I buy. When it’s time to pay for my groceries, a new wave of anxiety hits. I have to put my groceries on the conveyor belt which means people will be looking at what I have picked up. What will they think of me? If I buy a TV dinner, they will think I don’t know how to cook. If  I buy detergent, do they think I picked a bad brand? If I buy canned soup do they think that’s all I eat? Every single item that I place on the belt causes great anxiety.

Now there is a person behind me in line. What if they get mad that I have too many items? What if they want to make small talk while we wait? Ok, it’s my turn to pay. I must have my money ready. What if I drop it? People will laugh at me, the cashier will get mad, the people behind me will become impatient…

My rational brain understands that everything I mention above is not happening. But the problem with obsessive thoughts is that they take over. I cannot control them. At the end of the ordeal, I feel emotionally exhausted. I do feel a bit of pride knowing that I did it!

Thankfully I do most of my Christmas shopping online. Imagine trying to go to a mall to do that? The mere thought makes me jittery.

Living with SAD is not easy but we find ways to function in our own ‘normal’ way.