Public Transportation

“Once you become self-conscious, there is no end to it; once you start to doubt, 

there is no room for anything else.” 
― Mignon McLaughlin

By Rey P.

For years all I did was use public transportation to get around. It was one of those things that I had to do no matter what. When I was younger it didn’t bother me as much as it does now. The last time I was on a bus was a little over a year now. The commute was not that long (2 bus transfers in 45 min). Thought the ride was not long in terms of distance, the amount spent waiting for the bus and then stopping every few minutes to let passengers on or off. Social Anxiety turns a seemingly short ride into an ordeal composed of panic and intrusive thoughts.

It begins at the bus stop. Sometimes ­–if I’m lucky– I will find it empty. That doesn’t mean my anxiety is gone. While I wait, I see cars go by and I feel that the drivers and passengers in every car turn to look at me. My rational mind knows that that is ridiculous. For one, the cars are moving at speeds that would make it a bit difficult for people in them to turn, judge, and laugh. But the problem is that I don’t think about those things while I am in panic mode. My rational mind sees that and makes sense of that until I’m in the safety of home.

While I am concerned and hyper-aware of the cars that drive by I also must remember where I am and begin to see that my fellow passenger begin to gather. This is where I take my phone out of my pocket and pretend I am busy with it. All the while my thoughts begin:

They’re looking at me.

They think I look stupid.

They’re making fun of the way I'm dressed.

My heartbeat accelerates and my hands begin to shake. Then I see the but approaching. You’d think I’d feel relieved but my anxiety does not let go. As the bus approaches I begin to think:

What if I fall when Ion?

What if I can’t find my fare money?

What if I drop the money and everyone looks at me?

What if I make the bus driver impatient?

I hop on with my money in hand and safely put it in the machine. Meanwhile, there are people behind me waiting to get on. My thoughts continue, full speed. They think you’re slow. They will get impatient. Hurry up, hurry!

Once I pay my fare and turn to find a seat, another wave of anxiety and thoughts hit. Everyone is facing forward so of course, they all must be looking at me, right? It certainly feels that way. I want to look down; look away but how will I find a seat? There are people behind me and I must hurry or else they will become impatient.  If I am lucky, I will find an empty seat with no one else in it. I walk there and sit down and wait to see who will choose to sit next to me. Do I take the window seat or the aisle seat? If I take the window seat and someone sits next to me on the aisle side, how will I get off when I get to my stop? If I take the aisle and someone wants to sit next to me on the window seat I have to move to let them by. This all happens within seconds but to me, it feels so much longer. Once I sit I begin to relax. I can breathe more easily. I open my book and begin to read and instantly my anxiety level decreases a few notches. Good.

Here comes my stop. I always hope that others exit the bus with me or else I feel completely exposed. If no one gets off at my stop I feel all eyes are on me. I feel everyone staring and the panic begins. What if I fall as I step off? Are they laughing at me? I think they are. They must be.

Once I step off the bus and make my way to my destination, I am completely exhausted.

Using public transportation should be an ordinary and easy thing to do. Millions of people do it every day. It is especially difficult if you live with daily anxiety. If you are like me and have to use public transpiration please, please, please know you are not alone. Don’t be too hard on yourself. If your loved one struggles with Social Anxiety, please understand what they go thought every single day.  Sometimes the anxiety cannot be seen or detected in another person. Please be kind to people you see on the bus or walking down the street. You never know who hides behind a smile. 

“Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.” 
― Mark Twain