Making Friends

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” 
― Elbert Hubbard

by R.P.

One of the hardest and frustrating aspects of Social Anxiety is the feeling of loneliness. Due to the fact that, in my case, going out to socialize and meet new people is terrifying. Over the years I have met and made friends at work or in support groups but I cannot seem to keep them. I want to be able to connect with others but my social skills are non-existent. A few years back I was working in an office as a dispatcher. This was before I experienced my first panic attack, which consequently led to my Social Anxiety diagnosis. My official diagnosis was Generalized Anxiety Disorder with severe Social Anxiety tendencies. This of course includes other symptoms I mentioned before -like obsessive thoughts within a social setting.

Anyway, back to my story. My job was to dispatch technicians to various sites to repair cash registers. I really enjoyed that job because all I had to do was sit at a computer with an Excel spreadsheet, a map of the western United States, and a cup of coffee for all of 4 hours. For the most part, my co-workers were easy going and left me alone to do my job. I would say hello to them every morning, small talk throughout the day, and goodbye at the end of my shift.  Many times I was invited to get together after work, happy hour, a few birthday parties, but I always refused to go.  It was difficult for me to explain to them why.  I was afraid they would think I was crazy and possibly lose my job. (Obsessive thoughts, I know). After a while, they stopped inviting me anywhere. This made me feel both relieved and sad at the same time.

After my diagnosis in 2002, I was out of a job for about six months during which I underwent treatment. My anxiety was under control. Though I still experienced obsessive thoughts, I was functional and landed a retail job at a grocery store. Here I met an amazing friend. Within weeks we became pretty close. I told her all about my diagnosis and she was very supportive for a while. It didn’t last. Here’s why:

I am not good with relationships. I tend to be clingy. Not because I want to annoy you or because I want to control you but because I am afraid of not being a good friend back. I will constantly check on you, ask if you’re okay. My insecurity is pretty high. I want to be the best friend I can be, which then leads to me throwing an overprotective shield around you. I come across as obsessive and controlling when all I really want is to be at my best so that I can maintain our friendship.

It’s difficult for me to make friends and almost an impossibility to keep them. Now, at 42, I have come to accept that I’m okay with it. Now I have a beautiful person who understands me and knows my daily struggle. I know for a fact that my partner would move heaven and earth for me to be okay because she has shown me that no matter what I'm fighting on any given day, she will always be there to support me and catch me when I fall. Do I regret my lonely years? I do. But I have learned to keep looking ahead and not back. The future looks brighter now. In social media, out of all places, I have met some great people, which was my motivation to start this blog. I want them to know more about who I am and why I am the way I am. I will continue to improve as a person and friend.   

Texting

Everybody ought to do at least two things each day that he hates to do, just for practice. ~William James

by Rey

Texting is such a wonderful tool for us, SAD people. The days of phone calls have come and gone! We no longer have to make a dreaded phone call. At least until we are forced to. An emergency call, for instance. If I am stuck on the side of the road, I’ll probably attempt to make a phone call ten times before I work up the nerve to actually do it. When my cell phone rings is as if I’ve received an eclectic shock. My heart drops, my hands begin to sweat, all this before I even see who is calling me! If it’s a number I don’t recognize, forget about it, I will ignore it. If it’s someone I know, I wait for the call to go to voicemail. Answering a phone call is one of the hardest things for me to do. Then my anxious brain takes over. After I let the call go to voice mail, I begin to think. What if it was an emergency? What if something bad happened? What if someone is in danger? I immediately check my voice mail. Most of the time (thankfully) there are no messages which in my mind it means that it was not an emergency. I then text the person that called me with, ‘Did you call?’ Nine times out of ten it’s for no particular reason. Just to ‘check on me.’

Though texting is my preferred method of communication, it still gives me a great deal of anxiety. I compose a text then read it and re-read it to make sure there are no mistakes, no misspelled words. Once satisfied, I hold my breath as I hit the SEND key. Then the anxiety kicks in. Immediately I check the message I sent just to make sure, once again, that it contained no errors. No errors? Good. Now I can relax right? Of course not. They are not answering my text. Now my thoughts take over.

What if I said something wrong? What if I’m bothering them? What if they think I’m annoying? What if I sent it to the wrong person? Are they mad at me?

The longer I wait for a reply, the stronger my anxiety becomes. My heart beat accelerates, hands shake and perspire, my breathing quickens. An immense feeling of dread grows in the pit of my stomach, making me nauseous. That feeling is followed by one of regret. Why did I even text them?

When my anxiety is at its peak, my anxious brain cannot listen to my rational mind.  It doesn’t understand that people are busy! That just because they have not replied doesn’t mean is because of something I said. They simply don’t have time at that moment to answer me!

Once the reply comes through, I feel like my body is melting. The relief is such that I feel I might fall to the floor. I don’t know if you have experienced an accident, even as minor as a fender bender. That rush of adrenaline you get once you realize that you’re okay, that everything is okay. That’s the feeling I get after my text gets answered. That is what happens with ONE text. Though it is a helpful tool for me and my anxiety takes over, it’s still better than making a phone call.

I have come to accept Social Anxiety as part of me because, after all, it has been with me my entire life. I am always working on ways to minimize my anxiety in different situations and most of the time it works. I am still a work in progress.