Social Anxiety is Real

"I know what is like to be afraid of your own mind."

-Reid, Criminal Minds

By Rey P.

If you Google Social Anxiety Disorder (S.A.D), this is what you will find:

Social Anxiety Disorder is a chronic mental health condition in which social interactions cause irrational anxiety.

I am in the middle of a big crowd and feel the eyes of every single person on me. I dare not look up. I can feel their eyes on me. I can hear their thoughts, or perhaps they are my own. Their voices are deafening…

I live with S.A.D. and this is my daily battle. A battle against myself.

I walk into a store, a restaurant, a doctor's office... and immediately feel everyone’s eyes on me. Their eyes burn and I begin to blush. I feel the fire in my face. My heart races, palms begin to sweat and my breathing quickens. Only, they are not looking at me. It’s my brain that tells me they are. It tells me they are judging me, they are making fun of what I’m wearing, of how I look. I pretend I forgot something in my car and leave. While I feel their eyes on me I know they are not looking at me, my rational brain knows this. In fact, most of the time people don’t even notice me. How can I feel everyone’s eyes on me while at the same time feel absolutely invisible?

I started working as soon as I left the U.S. Army and for the most part, my anxiety was under control. I was still being judged, however, and constantly heard the same question, “Why are you so quiet?” Although I got the job done, I was constantly under constant pressure (from myself) to open up, be friendly and “come out of my shell.”

The older I got the worse my anxiety became. Since the age of twenty I have been trying to figure out different ways to deal with my anxiety, which was not diagnosed until just a few years ago.

Although psychotherapy and drugs such as antidepressants exist for the treatment of Social Anxiety Disorder, there is no way of knowing what works best for each individual. For example, in my case: I saw a psychologist who prescribed me Prozac on my very first visit,. I  took the drug for 30 days with no results. I was then given Zoloft with no change so the doctor gave up on me; he said I should look for other specialists. Therapists, counselors, and other professionals only treat general anxiety or depression. If they cannot understand S.A.D. and separate it from the general anxiety pool, how can it be treated?

My personal opinion is that S.A.D. is often misdiagnosed and confused with depression which makes treatment difficult.

My anxiety has at times led to depression and along with S.A.D. I have O.C.D. tendencies. My overly anxious brain is a constant web of thoughts that I can’t seem to control. Simple tasks like paying bills, organizing my books, preparing food, become extremely difficult tasks. And this doesn't include the daily struggle to do my job.

Living with S.A.D. isn’t easy. Personally, it has prevented me from reaching my full potential. Right now, however, I feel like I’m at a standstill in life. I am currently feeling like my future has come and gone. There is no sense of direction and for the first time in my life, I can’t seem to see beyond today. Maybe this is a blessing in that I am living in the now but the now isn’t exactly how I want it to be.

I have two choices:

1 - Accept S.A.D. as a part of me, because after all, I am who I am in big part because of it and nothing I do will change that.

2 - Gather all my strength, my will and kick its ass!

God knows I've tried and tried and tried to work on it and get better.

For those of you living with social anxiety, you know and understand how difficult the daily battle is. Work is torture (at least for me), and when I hear, “Why are you so quiet?” All I want to do is hide.

The truth is, people don’t understand what this disorder is like and I feel that I am being judged for being too quiet. I know I probably come across as rude or that I’m blowing people off because I cannot start a conversation, much less maintain it.

Even those who have known you for years, family members, the ones who have known you all your life, still think you can just “snap out of it.” They want to push you to go out and meet new people and make friends and “get over the shyness.” They don’t understand that the mere thought of being out in public is, at times, paralyzing.

Something needs to change. Social Anxiety Disorder can’t be generalized; it cannot be placed with other anxiety disorders as each anxiety disorder needs to be treated for its specific symptoms. Until we find the underlining cause of the disorder, we will continue to be prescribed antidepressants instead of finding efficient treatment.