Eating Out

“This feeling will pass. The fear is real but the danger is not.”

― Cammie McGovern

If you ever see me at a restaurant you will find me in the corner booth, facing the wall.

Imagine sitting at a restaurant attempting to have a nice dinner when suddenly everyone around you stops what they’re doing so they can look at you. Everything goes quiet except for your chewing. A sound which feels like the entire world can hear.

This doesn’t happen, of course, except in the life and mind of a socially anxious person. For me, going out to eat at a restaurant is as stressful as going to the dentist! So why do I do it? I think I want to be normal and do what normal people do just so that I know that I can.

This happens everywhere, whether is at a fast food chain or a sit-down place. The process is always the same. First thing I do is survey the parking lot to get a sense of how crowded it might be inside. Next is opening the door and hoping there is no waiting. I cannot deal with sitting around and wait to be seated because I feel that everyone is staring at me. Judging me. If there is waiting time, I usually step outside and wait to be called.

Next comes the sitting options. Booth. Always the booth at the corner. The hostess walks us to our table and I feel everyone’s eyes on me as we walk past other patrons. I can feel the heat rising to my face. My heart begins to beat faster and my anxious mind takes over. This is what it makes me think:

Everyone is looking at you. They’re wondering why you dress the way you do. They’re laughing at you. You’re blushing. You’re forty-years-old and you’re blushing!

By the time I reach the booth I am in a complete state of panic. I still have to deal with the waitress and wait for my food. Once the food arrives I worry that others will see what I have ordered. That they will make fun of me. I take a deep breath and try to enjoy my meal. But I can’t. Every bite I take is with caution because I feel that I am being looked at the way I eat.

Afterwards I feel completely drained. As my tensed muscles begin to relax, I can feel pain everywhere! You’d think I was hit by a bus! How can a simple thing become so exhausting? I wish my rational brain would beat my anxious brain or at least give me a break!

Social Anxiety is Real

"I know what is like to be afraid of your own mind."

-Reid, Criminal Minds

By Rey P.

If you Google Social Anxiety Disorder (S.A.D), this is what you will find:

Social Anxiety Disorder is a chronic mental health condition in which social interactions cause irrational anxiety.

I am in the middle of a big crowd and feel the eyes of every single person on me. I dare not look up. I can feel their eyes on me. I can hear their thoughts, or perhaps they are my own. Their voices are deafening…

I live with S.A.D. and this is my daily battle. A battle against myself.

I walk into a store, a restaurant, a doctor's office... and immediately feel everyone’s eyes on me. Their eyes burn and I begin to blush. I feel the fire in my face. My heart races, palms begin to sweat and my breathing quickens. Only, they are not looking at me. It’s my brain that tells me they are. It tells me they are judging me, they are making fun of what I’m wearing, of how I look. I pretend I forgot something in my car and leave. While I feel their eyes on me I know they are not looking at me, my rational brain knows this. In fact, most of the time people don’t even notice me. How can I feel everyone’s eyes on me while at the same time feel absolutely invisible?

I started working as soon as I left the U.S. Army and for the most part, my anxiety was under control. I was still being judged, however, and constantly heard the same question, “Why are you so quiet?” Although I got the job done, I was constantly under constant pressure (from myself) to open up, be friendly and “come out of my shell.”

The older I got the worse my anxiety became. Since the age of twenty I have been trying to figure out different ways to deal with my anxiety, which was not diagnosed until just a few years ago.

Although psychotherapy and drugs such as antidepressants exist for the treatment of Social Anxiety Disorder, there is no way of knowing what works best for each individual. For example, in my case: I saw a psychologist who prescribed me Prozac on my very first visit,. I  took the drug for 30 days with no results. I was then given Zoloft with no change so the doctor gave up on me; he said I should look for other specialists. Therapists, counselors, and other professionals only treat general anxiety or depression. If they cannot understand S.A.D. and separate it from the general anxiety pool, how can it be treated?

My personal opinion is that S.A.D. is often misdiagnosed and confused with depression which makes treatment difficult.

My anxiety has at times led to depression and along with S.A.D. I have O.C.D. tendencies. My overly anxious brain is a constant web of thoughts that I can’t seem to control. Simple tasks like paying bills, organizing my books, preparing food, become extremely difficult tasks. And this doesn't include the daily struggle to do my job.

Living with S.A.D. isn’t easy. Personally, it has prevented me from reaching my full potential. Right now, however, I feel like I’m at a standstill in life. I am currently feeling like my future has come and gone. There is no sense of direction and for the first time in my life, I can’t seem to see beyond today. Maybe this is a blessing in that I am living in the now but the now isn’t exactly how I want it to be.

I have two choices:

1 - Accept S.A.D. as a part of me, because after all, I am who I am in big part because of it and nothing I do will change that.

2 - Gather all my strength, my will and kick its ass!

God knows I've tried and tried and tried to work on it and get better.

For those of you living with social anxiety, you know and understand how difficult the daily battle is. Work is torture (at least for me), and when I hear, “Why are you so quiet?” All I want to do is hide.

The truth is, people don’t understand what this disorder is like and I feel that I am being judged for being too quiet. I know I probably come across as rude or that I’m blowing people off because I cannot start a conversation, much less maintain it.

Even those who have known you for years, family members, the ones who have known you all your life, still think you can just “snap out of it.” They want to push you to go out and meet new people and make friends and “get over the shyness.” They don’t understand that the mere thought of being out in public is, at times, paralyzing.

Something needs to change. Social Anxiety Disorder can’t be generalized; it cannot be placed with other anxiety disorders as each anxiety disorder needs to be treated for its specific symptoms. Until we find the underlining cause of the disorder, we will continue to be prescribed antidepressants instead of finding efficient treatment.

Making Friends

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” 
― Elbert Hubbard

by R.P.

One of the hardest and frustrating aspects of Social Anxiety is the feeling of loneliness. Due to the fact that, in my case, going out to socialize and meet new people is terrifying. Over the years I have met and made friends at work or in support groups but I cannot seem to keep them. I want to be able to connect with others but my social skills are non-existent. A few years back I was working in an office as a dispatcher. This was before I experienced my first panic attack, which consequently led to my Social Anxiety diagnosis. My official diagnosis was Generalized Anxiety Disorder with severe Social Anxiety tendencies. This of course includes other symptoms I mentioned before -like obsessive thoughts within a social setting.

Anyway, back to my story. My job was to dispatch technicians to various sites to repair cash registers. I really enjoyed that job because all I had to do was sit at a computer with an Excel spreadsheet, a map of the western United States, and a cup of coffee for all of 4 hours. For the most part, my co-workers were easy going and left me alone to do my job. I would say hello to them every morning, small talk throughout the day, and goodbye at the end of my shift.  Many times I was invited to get together after work, happy hour, a few birthday parties, but I always refused to go.  It was difficult for me to explain to them why.  I was afraid they would think I was crazy and possibly lose my job. (Obsessive thoughts, I know). After a while, they stopped inviting me anywhere. This made me feel both relieved and sad at the same time.

After my diagnosis in 2002, I was out of a job for about six months during which I underwent treatment. My anxiety was under control. Though I still experienced obsessive thoughts, I was functional and landed a retail job at a grocery store. Here I met an amazing friend. Within weeks we became pretty close. I told her all about my diagnosis and she was very supportive for a while. It didn’t last. Here’s why:

I am not good with relationships. I tend to be clingy. Not because I want to annoy you or because I want to control you but because I am afraid of not being a good friend back. I will constantly check on you, ask if you’re okay. My insecurity is pretty high. I want to be the best friend I can be, which then leads to me throwing an overprotective shield around you. I come across as obsessive and controlling when all I really want is to be at my best so that I can maintain our friendship.

It’s difficult for me to make friends and almost an impossibility to keep them. Now, at 42, I have come to accept that I’m okay with it. Now I have a beautiful person who understands me and knows my daily struggle. I know for a fact that my partner would move heaven and earth for me to be okay because she has shown me that no matter what I'm fighting on any given day, she will always be there to support me and catch me when I fall. Do I regret my lonely years? I do. But I have learned to keep looking ahead and not back. The future looks brighter now. In social media, out of all places, I have met some great people, which was my motivation to start this blog. I want them to know more about who I am and why I am the way I am. I will continue to improve as a person and friend.   

Texting

Everybody ought to do at least two things each day that he hates to do, just for practice. ~William James

by Rey

Texting is such a wonderful tool for us, SAD people. The days of phone calls have come and gone! We no longer have to make a dreaded phone call. At least until we are forced to. An emergency call, for instance. If I am stuck on the side of the road, I’ll probably attempt to make a phone call ten times before I work up the nerve to actually do it. When my cell phone rings is as if I’ve received an eclectic shock. My heart drops, my hands begin to sweat, all this before I even see who is calling me! If it’s a number I don’t recognize, forget about it, I will ignore it. If it’s someone I know, I wait for the call to go to voicemail. Answering a phone call is one of the hardest things for me to do. Then my anxious brain takes over. After I let the call go to voice mail, I begin to think. What if it was an emergency? What if something bad happened? What if someone is in danger? I immediately check my voice mail. Most of the time (thankfully) there are no messages which in my mind it means that it was not an emergency. I then text the person that called me with, ‘Did you call?’ Nine times out of ten it’s for no particular reason. Just to ‘check on me.’

Though texting is my preferred method of communication, it still gives me a great deal of anxiety. I compose a text then read it and re-read it to make sure there are no mistakes, no misspelled words. Once satisfied, I hold my breath as I hit the SEND key. Then the anxiety kicks in. Immediately I check the message I sent just to make sure, once again, that it contained no errors. No errors? Good. Now I can relax right? Of course not. They are not answering my text. Now my thoughts take over.

What if I said something wrong? What if I’m bothering them? What if they think I’m annoying? What if I sent it to the wrong person? Are they mad at me?

The longer I wait for a reply, the stronger my anxiety becomes. My heart beat accelerates, hands shake and perspire, my breathing quickens. An immense feeling of dread grows in the pit of my stomach, making me nauseous. That feeling is followed by one of regret. Why did I even text them?

When my anxiety is at its peak, my anxious brain cannot listen to my rational mind.  It doesn’t understand that people are busy! That just because they have not replied doesn’t mean is because of something I said. They simply don’t have time at that moment to answer me!

Once the reply comes through, I feel like my body is melting. The relief is such that I feel I might fall to the floor. I don’t know if you have experienced an accident, even as minor as a fender bender. That rush of adrenaline you get once you realize that you’re okay, that everything is okay. That’s the feeling I get after my text gets answered. That is what happens with ONE text. Though it is a helpful tool for me and my anxiety takes over, it’s still better than making a phone call.

I have come to accept Social Anxiety as part of me because, after all, it has been with me my entire life. I am always working on ways to minimize my anxiety in different situations and most of the time it works. I am still a work in progress. 

Socializing Vs. Social Media

“Use social media for good and lift others up, not tear them down. Stay on the high road. Keep your peace.” ― Germany Kent

I grew up in the ’80s where if you needed to get a hold of someone, you had to use the phone. For me, it was one of the most terrifying things I ever had to do. Hearing that long ring tone and knowing someone at the other end would answer. If I was lucky, it would ring and ring for ages and I would hang up, feeling relieved that there was no answer.  We had those rotary phones and then transitioned to cordless phones and sometimes an answering machine would pick up on the other end. I never left a single message. Then seemingly out of nowhere came cell phones, then texting, and here we are now with social media.

For a person with social anxiety, having social media is a blessing. Sure, we still have cyberbullying and tons of negativity that at times it becomes too much. It can also be a great way to socialize without having to be surrounded by people. In my case, social media has been keeping me sane, especially with the right content.

Though I am apprehensive about sending friend requests due to fear of rejection, I can give my opinion on so many things. I get nervous when I post anything but have the luxury of proofreading what I post. I read and reread and sometimes read for a fourth time what I’m about to post just to make sure that I don’t embarrass myself. This is something I could never do in an actual social setting. Once I speak, the words are out there for everyone to judge. On social media, I get to control what I say and once I am sure of what that is, I go ahead and post it.

Of course, I still get nervous. Once I post something, the panicky feeling begins. At times my thoughts get so out of control that I end up deleting a post altogether because I feel people will laugh at what I have posed. This is how my anxious brain gets out of control:

-What if what I posted was inappropriate?

-What if I misspelled a word?

-What if they laugh?

-What if I was not though enough?

-What if I offend people?

-What if my post gets deleted for being inappropriate?

-What if nobody likes my post?  

Maybe you think it would be easier for me to just go out and socialize because, after all, I still get anxious about it. Maybe you are right. However, using social media as a way to connect with others has been a lot easier than social interaction.

SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder) is debilitating not only emotionally but physically. The accelerated heartbeat, the shaking, and tension take their toll. If you see me on the street you probably think I'm a normal person, nothing physically wrong. This is the problem with a mental illness. You cannot see how much pain I am in.

Shopping

We all know just how stressful the holidays can be for everyone. If you struggle with social anxiety, you know this time can be emotionally draining. First, you find that more people are out and about doing their shopping and being all festive and whatnot. While others await this season with exigent, my anxiety goes through the roof. Here is why:

Because of social Anxiety I have found small ways in which to minimize my anxiety. Though I am not a morning person, if I have to shop for groceries, I always do it early in the morning. This is how it has been for years now, since before my diagnosis. I know that there are grocery delivery services to avoid the store altogether, but I want to feel that I am still able to function in small ‘normal’ way.

I still get anxious when I do the grocery shopping, though. I never expect the store to be empty; that’s unrealistic. There are others around and I often get anxious when I start to think that they are looking at me, at what I have in the cart and feel that they're judging me for what I'm buying. I keep my head down. When I encounter a fellow shopper down the same isle, I turn around and go a different way. If I am browsing items and someone else stands next to me to look at the same item, I immediately pick one out and move along.

My anxious brain is always telling me that everyone is looking at me. They are making fun of me, of what I’m wearing and what I buy. When it’s time to pay for my groceries, a new wave of anxiety hits. I have to put my groceries on the conveyor belt which means people will be looking at what I have picked up. What will they think of me? If I buy a TV dinner, they will think I don’t know how to cook. If  I buy detergent, do they think I picked a bad brand? If I buy canned soup do they think that’s all I eat? Every single item that I place on the belt causes great anxiety.

Now there is a person behind me in line. What if they get mad that I have too many items? What if they want to make small talk while we wait? Ok, it’s my turn to pay. I must have my money ready. What if I drop it? People will laugh at me, the cashier will get mad, the people behind me will become impatient…

My rational brain understands that everything I mention above is not happening. But the problem with obsessive thoughts is that they take over. I cannot control them. At the end of the ordeal, I feel emotionally exhausted. I do feel a bit of pride knowing that I did it!

Thankfully I do most of my Christmas shopping online. Imagine trying to go to a mall to do that? The mere thought makes me jittery.

Living with SAD is not easy but we find ways to function in our own ‘normal’ way. 

Living with S.A.D (Social Anxiety Disorder)

Hello, everyone, and welcome to my blog!

I created this to help those dealing with Social Anxiety understand that they are not alone. Also, as a bridge to help families of those with S.A.D get a glimpse of the struggles of a socially anxious loved one. 

Each day I hope to be bale to share with you the struggles I deal with day to day. From small tasks like shopping from groceries to big (possibly life changing) events like a job interview. 

First I'd like to share a bit about myself. I am forty-two, living in a big city (Los Angeles). I was diagnosed with S.A.D at the age of twenty-seven after I suffered my first panic attack. 

I spend a lot of time by myself, currently working as a nanny of three children which is basically my only social interaction. I love what I do but do wish I could do more. 

I hope together we can make sense of this disorder. Please come back and see what other things I will post here. Feel free to comment bellow. Let me know how long you have lived with SAD and what your daily life is like.  Share this if you know of anyone who like me, struggles with SAD.

See you soon!