Out to the Ballgame

“If you don't think too good, don't think too much.” 
― Ted Williams

There have been a few times over the last couple of years when I felt brave enough to attend one of the most crowded places that I have ever been to. I am a huge baseball fan and over the years have had the opportunity to attend a few of my favorite team’s home games.  It might sound like fun, and admittedly for a normal person can be a great experience. What can be better than cheering for the home team, eat hot dogs and peanuts, pretzels, and cotton candy? For me this experience is accompanied by a great deal of anxiety. Some have asked, “Why would you want put yourself through that ordeal?” The honest answer is that I am not quite sure. I assume one reason is that I want to do what ‘normal’ people do. (I know I use the word ‘normal’ quite a bit in my blog. Perhaps I will discuss my reason for this in my next post.)

My anxiety begins days prior to the game. I need an extensive amount of time to emotionally prepare myself for such an event. The thought of being surrounded by thousands of people is absolutely terrifying. I tell myself that everything will be alright; after all, this too shall pass.

As the evening of the game approaches, my anxious brain begins to work against me. There have been a couple times when I end-up canceling altogether. I tell myself that I am better off watching the game on television. Other times I will myself to do this one thing. One game and I never have to do it again!

So there I am walking toward the entrance. Here’s the thing: In order for me to feel a bit more relaxed is if I arrive at the stadium at least an hour and a half early. This takes care of two things: One, I get a good parking spot, which really isn’t my main concern. The main reason for this is that the earlier I arrive, the less crowded the seats will be, which means that I can comfortably find my seat without disturbing anyone. Once I locate my seat and ensure that there are no other fans in the vicinity, I make the one and only trip to the ladies room because once the game begins I will not leave my seat. No, it’s not because I don’t want to miss a minute of the action as far at the game is concerned. The reason is that once the seats begin to fill up I cannot leave my seat because I don’t want to disturb my neighbors.

As much as I try to enjoy myself, as I see everyone around doing, it’s excruciating. I am too afraid to cheer because I don’t want to attract attention, even though everyone around me is screaming their heads off! I do not buy any drinks to avoid a second trip to the ladies room. I do not buy food. For one it’s so damn expensive! But the main reason for that is that I refuse to eat in public, especially when the public is a full baseball stadium. This is what goes on in my mind as I try to concentrate on and enjoy the game:

Everyone is looking at you.

Don’t cheer! Don’t make a sound because everyone will turn to look at you.

They are making fun of you.

They all think you look stupid.

They are judging your every move.

Please don’t let the jumbotron spot me.

Why did I come?

I am never doing this again.

My brain is a constant web of intrusive thoughts that I can’t control. By the time the experience is over I feel completely drained and can’t seem to get back to my normal thoughts. My brain feels hazy and can’t come out of the fog. It takes me a good week to get back on track. During that week I feel like I have done something wrong. I keep going back into my memory looking for moments during the game when perhaps I cheered and someone made fun of me. I cannot shake that feeling for days!

I want to be able to do things that are supposed to be fun and entertaining. I want to be able to attend a baseball game without mentally exhausting myself. I want to go to the movies or a concert, a play and even attend my niece’s soccer games but each of these things makes me anxious.

Not everyone understands what I deal with and it’s not easy to convey these thoughts to help those near me know me a little better. If you or a loved one is struggling with Social Anxiety, please, please be kind (I know I say this a lot but please believe me, it matters). Be mindful of how different an anxious brain operates and how tiring it can be. If they do happen to tag along to a baseball game, ask them if they are okay, tell them that everything will be alright. Most of the time we feel like a burned and one word of support and encouragement can make a world of difference.

Public Transportation

“Once you become self-conscious, there is no end to it; once you start to doubt, 

there is no room for anything else.” 
― Mignon McLaughlin

By Rey P.

For years all I did was use public transportation to get around. It was one of those things that I had to do no matter what. When I was younger it didn’t bother me as much as it does now. The last time I was on a bus was a little over a year now. The commute was not that long (2 bus transfers in 45 min). Thought the ride was not long in terms of distance, the amount spent waiting for the bus and then stopping every few minutes to let passengers on or off. Social Anxiety turns a seemingly short ride into an ordeal composed of panic and intrusive thoughts.

It begins at the bus stop. Sometimes ­–if I’m lucky– I will find it empty. That doesn’t mean my anxiety is gone. While I wait, I see cars go by and I feel that the drivers and passengers in every car turn to look at me. My rational mind knows that that is ridiculous. For one, the cars are moving at speeds that would make it a bit difficult for people in them to turn, judge, and laugh. But the problem is that I don’t think about those things while I am in panic mode. My rational mind sees that and makes sense of that until I’m in the safety of home.

While I am concerned and hyper-aware of the cars that drive by I also must remember where I am and begin to see that my fellow passenger begin to gather. This is where I take my phone out of my pocket and pretend I am busy with it. All the while my thoughts begin:

They’re looking at me.

They think I look stupid.

They’re making fun of the way I'm dressed.

My heartbeat accelerates and my hands begin to shake. Then I see the but approaching. You’d think I’d feel relieved but my anxiety does not let go. As the bus approaches I begin to think:

What if I fall when Ion?

What if I can’t find my fare money?

What if I drop the money and everyone looks at me?

What if I make the bus driver impatient?

I hop on with my money in hand and safely put it in the machine. Meanwhile, there are people behind me waiting to get on. My thoughts continue, full speed. They think you’re slow. They will get impatient. Hurry up, hurry!

Once I pay my fare and turn to find a seat, another wave of anxiety and thoughts hit. Everyone is facing forward so of course, they all must be looking at me, right? It certainly feels that way. I want to look down; look away but how will I find a seat? There are people behind me and I must hurry or else they will become impatient.  If I am lucky, I will find an empty seat with no one else in it. I walk there and sit down and wait to see who will choose to sit next to me. Do I take the window seat or the aisle seat? If I take the window seat and someone sits next to me on the aisle side, how will I get off when I get to my stop? If I take the aisle and someone wants to sit next to me on the window seat I have to move to let them by. This all happens within seconds but to me, it feels so much longer. Once I sit I begin to relax. I can breathe more easily. I open my book and begin to read and instantly my anxiety level decreases a few notches. Good.

Here comes my stop. I always hope that others exit the bus with me or else I feel completely exposed. If no one gets off at my stop I feel all eyes are on me. I feel everyone staring and the panic begins. What if I fall as I step off? Are they laughing at me? I think they are. They must be.

Once I step off the bus and make my way to my destination, I am completely exhausted.

Using public transportation should be an ordinary and easy thing to do. Millions of people do it every day. It is especially difficult if you live with daily anxiety. If you are like me and have to use public transpiration please, please, please know you are not alone. Don’t be too hard on yourself. If your loved one struggles with Social Anxiety, please understand what they go thought every single day.  Sometimes the anxiety cannot be seen or detected in another person. Please be kind to people you see on the bus or walking down the street. You never know who hides behind a smile. 

“Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.” 
― Mark Twain

Work in Progress

“Your purpose in life is to find your purpose and give your whole heart and soul to it” 

― Gautama Buddha

By R.P.

Living with Social Anxiety is not easy. Being part of society can be debilitating and the thing is WE HAVE TO. In order to survive, we need to be part of it. We need jobs, we have bills to pay and we have to eat, obviously. I can say that Social Anxiety has put me in a bad spot but I also have to place some blame on myself. After all, I am in charge of my life, right? Well, it isn’t that simple.

Over the past two years, I have attempted at least half a dozen job changes. Currently, my job at a grocery store has become extremely stressful as I am dealing with PTSD, which has recently been triggered by a new position (a different story for a different time). Anyhow, here is what go through when searching for a new job:

I get animated and feel confident that this time it will be different. I am a computer nerd. I am always looking to learn new things and implement what I learn in different ways. I am confident that my skills are strong enough to not only find a proper job, but to thrive! The application process is not as bad one would think and once I get called in for an interview, my confidence increases. The interviews that I have attended have gone smoothly and my anxiety appears to be under control. Once an offer is made I am ecstatic and my confidence doubles. At times I don’t recognize myself and want to believe that this time, yes finally this time will be different. This is it!

As the first day approaches, my anxiety slowly creeps in. I begin to doubt myself as my anxious mind takes over.  Still, I am able to make it through those days. It’s amazing to me how I can go from feeling so alive and invincible to feeling small and irrelevant.  When the first day arrives I am a complete mess. I arrive at the site and sit in my car for what feels like hours, unable to move. I will myself to walk inside but I can’t. I have a complete meltdown and I fall into a deep hole where my intrusive thoughts feast on my weakness:

-You are not cut out for this.

-You have no business being here.

-Nobody will like you.

-They will make fun of you.

-Imagine all the eyes that will be on you.

-They will think you are not good enough.

-You are not good enough, actually.

-You can’t do this.

I drive back home feeling defeated. I don’t even have the decency to contact management and let them know I am unable to go in. This happens EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. No matter how hard I try, I fail. So I continue to deal with my current job unable to tell management why it is that I can't be behind a cash register. (Again, a story for another time)

Patience has a different meaning for people with anxiety ­–at least for me. First I must be patient with myself. I need to remember that I am not the only one in the world dealing with this illness. There are millions, who like me, struggle to make a living. I also know that many others who deal with this illness have good jobs and can function day to day. I want to believe that one day I will part of that.

If your loved one is struggling to make a living due to anxiety, I ask for your patience. They are not lazy; they are not taking it easy nor are they enjoying asking for or accepting help. Know that they are in a constant battle with themselves. No, they don’t deal with the stresses of daily life, of deadlines and emails, meeting and traffic. Their stress is born out of desperation of not having a job, having to pay bills and not knowing how they will make it through the next month. Please be kind.

If you are struggling to find work due to anxiety, please be patient with yourself. Remember that you are not alone. Take care of yourself and never feel that you are not doing enough, that you are not contributing because you are, even when you feel otherwise. We are in this together.

Going for a Walk

“All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking.” 

― Friedrich Nietzsche

By Rey P.

My New Year’s resolution this year is to get out of the house and walk more. You’d think walking is one of the most relaxing things to do. To exercise and get your body moving. As a socially anxious person, I can tell you that walking outside is yet another trigger. Sometimes the anxiety gets so bad that as soon as I step out of the house, I change my mind and turn around.

When I do make it out of the house I deal with intrusive thoughts from the very beginning. I usually wear earbuds and dark sunglasses to avoid making eye contact with those I may encounter along my route. The music that I listen to helps me keep focused and also as an attempt to drown my thoughts. This is what I deal with while I am out walking:

I look ahead and see someone walking towards me and I begin to get nervous. What will they think of me? What if they laugh at how I look? What if they think I dress funny?

Living in a big city isn’t ideal for a pleasant walk. Too many people around. I walk past with my head down and once they have passed, I release my breath. This happens every single time I encounter anyone. Next are the drivers. I come upon a stop sign where a car waits for me to cross. I immediately feel the driver’s eyes on me. I walk as fast as I can, with y head down. I dare not look up. I feel if I do, the drivers and passengers will all be looking at me. Judging me, making fun of the way I walk.  Now I have to cross the main street where too many cars await the green light. I walk across the street as they stare (at least I feel they are). Same thoughts run through my anxious mind. They are surely judging how I walk, how I look, and what I’m wearing.

By the time I get home, I am both physically and emotionally exhausted, and it takes me quite a while to gather myself.

My space at home is much too small for a treadmill. I could go out, drive to a more empty area, hiking trails, a park, the beach. But being away from home for a long time makes me even more anxious. My walking route is about a 5-mile radius from home (my comfort zone). On the rare occasion, I do go out to a park, especially when it appears to be empty. Joining a gym is completely out of the question.

There are a lot of things that are difficult for a socially anxious person to do. No, we are not lazy to go on walks or to exercise. We simply cannot function as a normal person. We need preparation time, not only in body as far as stretching and warming up. We need to prepare mentally.

If your loved one is struggling with social anxiety (or general anxiety for that matter) please, please, be patient and kind. Don’t push them or make them feel like they're lazy. Support them, encourage them in a way that isn’t judgmental. Most important, understand them. Be kind. 

Eating Out

“This feeling will pass. The fear is real but the danger is not.”

― Cammie McGovern

If you ever see me at a restaurant you will find me in the corner booth, facing the wall.

Imagine sitting at a restaurant attempting to have a nice dinner when suddenly everyone around you stops what they’re doing so they can look at you. Everything goes quiet except for your chewing. A sound which feels like the entire world can hear.

This doesn’t happen, of course, except in the life and mind of a socially anxious person. For me, going out to eat at a restaurant is as stressful as going to the dentist! So why do I do it? I think I want to be normal and do what normal people do just so that I know that I can.

This happens everywhere, whether is at a fast food chain or a sit-down place. The process is always the same. First thing I do is survey the parking lot to get a sense of how crowded it might be inside. Next is opening the door and hoping there is no waiting. I cannot deal with sitting around and wait to be seated because I feel that everyone is staring at me. Judging me. If there is waiting time, I usually step outside and wait to be called.

Next comes the sitting options. Booth. Always the booth at the corner. The hostess walks us to our table and I feel everyone’s eyes on me as we walk past other patrons. I can feel the heat rising to my face. My heart begins to beat faster and my anxious mind takes over. This is what it makes me think:

Everyone is looking at you. They’re wondering why you dress the way you do. They’re laughing at you. You’re blushing. You’re forty-years-old and you’re blushing!

By the time I reach the booth I am in a complete state of panic. I still have to deal with the waitress and wait for my food. Once the food arrives I worry that others will see what I have ordered. That they will make fun of me. I take a deep breath and try to enjoy my meal. But I can’t. Every bite I take is with caution because I feel that I am being looked at the way I eat.

Afterwards I feel completely drained. As my tensed muscles begin to relax, I can feel pain everywhere! You’d think I was hit by a bus! How can a simple thing become so exhausting? I wish my rational brain would beat my anxious brain or at least give me a break!

Social Anxiety is Real

"I know what is like to be afraid of your own mind."

-Reid, Criminal Minds

By Rey P.

If you Google Social Anxiety Disorder (S.A.D), this is what you will find:

Social Anxiety Disorder is a chronic mental health condition in which social interactions cause irrational anxiety.

I am in the middle of a big crowd and feel the eyes of every single person on me. I dare not look up. I can feel their eyes on me. I can hear their thoughts, or perhaps they are my own. Their voices are deafening…

I live with S.A.D. and this is my daily battle. A battle against myself.

I walk into a store, a restaurant, a doctor's office... and immediately feel everyone’s eyes on me. Their eyes burn and I begin to blush. I feel the fire in my face. My heart races, palms begin to sweat and my breathing quickens. Only, they are not looking at me. It’s my brain that tells me they are. It tells me they are judging me, they are making fun of what I’m wearing, of how I look. I pretend I forgot something in my car and leave. While I feel their eyes on me I know they are not looking at me, my rational brain knows this. In fact, most of the time people don’t even notice me. How can I feel everyone’s eyes on me while at the same time feel absolutely invisible?

I started working as soon as I left the U.S. Army and for the most part, my anxiety was under control. I was still being judged, however, and constantly heard the same question, “Why are you so quiet?” Although I got the job done, I was constantly under constant pressure (from myself) to open up, be friendly and “come out of my shell.”

The older I got the worse my anxiety became. Since the age of twenty I have been trying to figure out different ways to deal with my anxiety, which was not diagnosed until just a few years ago.

Although psychotherapy and drugs such as antidepressants exist for the treatment of Social Anxiety Disorder, there is no way of knowing what works best for each individual. For example, in my case: I saw a psychologist who prescribed me Prozac on my very first visit,. I  took the drug for 30 days with no results. I was then given Zoloft with no change so the doctor gave up on me; he said I should look for other specialists. Therapists, counselors, and other professionals only treat general anxiety or depression. If they cannot understand S.A.D. and separate it from the general anxiety pool, how can it be treated?

My personal opinion is that S.A.D. is often misdiagnosed and confused with depression which makes treatment difficult.

My anxiety has at times led to depression and along with S.A.D. I have O.C.D. tendencies. My overly anxious brain is a constant web of thoughts that I can’t seem to control. Simple tasks like paying bills, organizing my books, preparing food, become extremely difficult tasks. And this doesn't include the daily struggle to do my job.

Living with S.A.D. isn’t easy. Personally, it has prevented me from reaching my full potential. Right now, however, I feel like I’m at a standstill in life. I am currently feeling like my future has come and gone. There is no sense of direction and for the first time in my life, I can’t seem to see beyond today. Maybe this is a blessing in that I am living in the now but the now isn’t exactly how I want it to be.

I have two choices:

1 - Accept S.A.D. as a part of me, because after all, I am who I am in big part because of it and nothing I do will change that.

2 - Gather all my strength, my will and kick its ass!

God knows I've tried and tried and tried to work on it and get better.

For those of you living with social anxiety, you know and understand how difficult the daily battle is. Work is torture (at least for me), and when I hear, “Why are you so quiet?” All I want to do is hide.

The truth is, people don’t understand what this disorder is like and I feel that I am being judged for being too quiet. I know I probably come across as rude or that I’m blowing people off because I cannot start a conversation, much less maintain it.

Even those who have known you for years, family members, the ones who have known you all your life, still think you can just “snap out of it.” They want to push you to go out and meet new people and make friends and “get over the shyness.” They don’t understand that the mere thought of being out in public is, at times, paralyzing.

Something needs to change. Social Anxiety Disorder can’t be generalized; it cannot be placed with other anxiety disorders as each anxiety disorder needs to be treated for its specific symptoms. Until we find the underlining cause of the disorder, we will continue to be prescribed antidepressants instead of finding efficient treatment.

Making Friends

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” 
― Elbert Hubbard

by R.P.

One of the hardest and frustrating aspects of Social Anxiety is the feeling of loneliness. Due to the fact that, in my case, going out to socialize and meet new people is terrifying. Over the years I have met and made friends at work or in support groups but I cannot seem to keep them. I want to be able to connect with others but my social skills are non-existent. A few years back I was working in an office as a dispatcher. This was before I experienced my first panic attack, which consequently led to my Social Anxiety diagnosis. My official diagnosis was Generalized Anxiety Disorder with severe Social Anxiety tendencies. This of course includes other symptoms I mentioned before -like obsessive thoughts within a social setting.

Anyway, back to my story. My job was to dispatch technicians to various sites to repair cash registers. I really enjoyed that job because all I had to do was sit at a computer with an Excel spreadsheet, a map of the western United States, and a cup of coffee for all of 4 hours. For the most part, my co-workers were easy going and left me alone to do my job. I would say hello to them every morning, small talk throughout the day, and goodbye at the end of my shift.  Many times I was invited to get together after work, happy hour, a few birthday parties, but I always refused to go.  It was difficult for me to explain to them why.  I was afraid they would think I was crazy and possibly lose my job. (Obsessive thoughts, I know). After a while, they stopped inviting me anywhere. This made me feel both relieved and sad at the same time.

After my diagnosis in 2002, I was out of a job for about six months during which I underwent treatment. My anxiety was under control. Though I still experienced obsessive thoughts, I was functional and landed a retail job at a grocery store. Here I met an amazing friend. Within weeks we became pretty close. I told her all about my diagnosis and she was very supportive for a while. It didn’t last. Here’s why:

I am not good with relationships. I tend to be clingy. Not because I want to annoy you or because I want to control you but because I am afraid of not being a good friend back. I will constantly check on you, ask if you’re okay. My insecurity is pretty high. I want to be the best friend I can be, which then leads to me throwing an overprotective shield around you. I come across as obsessive and controlling when all I really want is to be at my best so that I can maintain our friendship.

It’s difficult for me to make friends and almost an impossibility to keep them. Now, at 42, I have come to accept that I’m okay with it. Now I have a beautiful person who understands me and knows my daily struggle. I know for a fact that my partner would move heaven and earth for me to be okay because she has shown me that no matter what I'm fighting on any given day, she will always be there to support me and catch me when I fall. Do I regret my lonely years? I do. But I have learned to keep looking ahead and not back. The future looks brighter now. In social media, out of all places, I have met some great people, which was my motivation to start this blog. I want them to know more about who I am and why I am the way I am. I will continue to improve as a person and friend.   

Texting

Everybody ought to do at least two things each day that he hates to do, just for practice. ~William James

by Rey

Texting is such a wonderful tool for us, SAD people. The days of phone calls have come and gone! We no longer have to make a dreaded phone call. At least until we are forced to. An emergency call, for instance. If I am stuck on the side of the road, I’ll probably attempt to make a phone call ten times before I work up the nerve to actually do it. When my cell phone rings is as if I’ve received an eclectic shock. My heart drops, my hands begin to sweat, all this before I even see who is calling me! If it’s a number I don’t recognize, forget about it, I will ignore it. If it’s someone I know, I wait for the call to go to voicemail. Answering a phone call is one of the hardest things for me to do. Then my anxious brain takes over. After I let the call go to voice mail, I begin to think. What if it was an emergency? What if something bad happened? What if someone is in danger? I immediately check my voice mail. Most of the time (thankfully) there are no messages which in my mind it means that it was not an emergency. I then text the person that called me with, ‘Did you call?’ Nine times out of ten it’s for no particular reason. Just to ‘check on me.’

Though texting is my preferred method of communication, it still gives me a great deal of anxiety. I compose a text then read it and re-read it to make sure there are no mistakes, no misspelled words. Once satisfied, I hold my breath as I hit the SEND key. Then the anxiety kicks in. Immediately I check the message I sent just to make sure, once again, that it contained no errors. No errors? Good. Now I can relax right? Of course not. They are not answering my text. Now my thoughts take over.

What if I said something wrong? What if I’m bothering them? What if they think I’m annoying? What if I sent it to the wrong person? Are they mad at me?

The longer I wait for a reply, the stronger my anxiety becomes. My heart beat accelerates, hands shake and perspire, my breathing quickens. An immense feeling of dread grows in the pit of my stomach, making me nauseous. That feeling is followed by one of regret. Why did I even text them?

When my anxiety is at its peak, my anxious brain cannot listen to my rational mind.  It doesn’t understand that people are busy! That just because they have not replied doesn’t mean is because of something I said. They simply don’t have time at that moment to answer me!

Once the reply comes through, I feel like my body is melting. The relief is such that I feel I might fall to the floor. I don’t know if you have experienced an accident, even as minor as a fender bender. That rush of adrenaline you get once you realize that you’re okay, that everything is okay. That’s the feeling I get after my text gets answered. That is what happens with ONE text. Though it is a helpful tool for me and my anxiety takes over, it’s still better than making a phone call.

I have come to accept Social Anxiety as part of me because, after all, it has been with me my entire life. I am always working on ways to minimize my anxiety in different situations and most of the time it works. I am still a work in progress. 

Socializing Vs. Social Media

“Use social media for good and lift others up, not tear them down. Stay on the high road. Keep your peace.” ― Germany Kent

I grew up in the ’80s where if you needed to get a hold of someone, you had to use the phone. For me, it was one of the most terrifying things I ever had to do. Hearing that long ring tone and knowing someone at the other end would answer. If I was lucky, it would ring and ring for ages and I would hang up, feeling relieved that there was no answer.  We had those rotary phones and then transitioned to cordless phones and sometimes an answering machine would pick up on the other end. I never left a single message. Then seemingly out of nowhere came cell phones, then texting, and here we are now with social media.

For a person with social anxiety, having social media is a blessing. Sure, we still have cyberbullying and tons of negativity that at times it becomes too much. It can also be a great way to socialize without having to be surrounded by people. In my case, social media has been keeping me sane, especially with the right content.

Though I am apprehensive about sending friend requests due to fear of rejection, I can give my opinion on so many things. I get nervous when I post anything but have the luxury of proofreading what I post. I read and reread and sometimes read for a fourth time what I’m about to post just to make sure that I don’t embarrass myself. This is something I could never do in an actual social setting. Once I speak, the words are out there for everyone to judge. On social media, I get to control what I say and once I am sure of what that is, I go ahead and post it.

Of course, I still get nervous. Once I post something, the panicky feeling begins. At times my thoughts get so out of control that I end up deleting a post altogether because I feel people will laugh at what I have posed. This is how my anxious brain gets out of control:

-What if what I posted was inappropriate?

-What if I misspelled a word?

-What if they laugh?

-What if I was not though enough?

-What if I offend people?

-What if my post gets deleted for being inappropriate?

-What if nobody likes my post?  

Maybe you think it would be easier for me to just go out and socialize because, after all, I still get anxious about it. Maybe you are right. However, using social media as a way to connect with others has been a lot easier than social interaction.

SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder) is debilitating not only emotionally but physically. The accelerated heartbeat, the shaking, and tension take their toll. If you see me on the street you probably think I'm a normal person, nothing physically wrong. This is the problem with a mental illness. You cannot see how much pain I am in.