Out to the Ballgame

“If you don't think too good, don't think too much.” 
― Ted Williams

There have been a few times over the last couple of years when I felt brave enough to attend one of the most crowded places that I have ever been to. I am a huge baseball fan and over the years have had the opportunity to attend a few of my favorite team’s home games.  It might sound like fun, and admittedly for a normal person can be a great experience. What can be better than cheering for the home team, eat hot dogs and peanuts, pretzels, and cotton candy? For me this experience is accompanied by a great deal of anxiety. Some have asked, “Why would you want put yourself through that ordeal?” The honest answer is that I am not quite sure. I assume one reason is that I want to do what ‘normal’ people do. (I know I use the word ‘normal’ quite a bit in my blog. Perhaps I will discuss my reason for this in my next post.)

My anxiety begins days prior to the game. I need an extensive amount of time to emotionally prepare myself for such an event. The thought of being surrounded by thousands of people is absolutely terrifying. I tell myself that everything will be alright; after all, this too shall pass.

As the evening of the game approaches, my anxious brain begins to work against me. There have been a couple times when I end-up canceling altogether. I tell myself that I am better off watching the game on television. Other times I will myself to do this one thing. One game and I never have to do it again!

So there I am walking toward the entrance. Here’s the thing: In order for me to feel a bit more relaxed is if I arrive at the stadium at least an hour and a half early. This takes care of two things: One, I get a good parking spot, which really isn’t my main concern. The main reason for this is that the earlier I arrive, the less crowded the seats will be, which means that I can comfortably find my seat without disturbing anyone. Once I locate my seat and ensure that there are no other fans in the vicinity, I make the one and only trip to the ladies room because once the game begins I will not leave my seat. No, it’s not because I don’t want to miss a minute of the action as far at the game is concerned. The reason is that once the seats begin to fill up I cannot leave my seat because I don’t want to disturb my neighbors.

As much as I try to enjoy myself, as I see everyone around doing, it’s excruciating. I am too afraid to cheer because I don’t want to attract attention, even though everyone around me is screaming their heads off! I do not buy any drinks to avoid a second trip to the ladies room. I do not buy food. For one it’s so damn expensive! But the main reason for that is that I refuse to eat in public, especially when the public is a full baseball stadium. This is what goes on in my mind as I try to concentrate on and enjoy the game:

Everyone is looking at you.

Don’t cheer! Don’t make a sound because everyone will turn to look at you.

They are making fun of you.

They all think you look stupid.

They are judging your every move.

Please don’t let the jumbotron spot me.

Why did I come?

I am never doing this again.

My brain is a constant web of intrusive thoughts that I can’t control. By the time the experience is over I feel completely drained and can’t seem to get back to my normal thoughts. My brain feels hazy and can’t come out of the fog. It takes me a good week to get back on track. During that week I feel like I have done something wrong. I keep going back into my memory looking for moments during the game when perhaps I cheered and someone made fun of me. I cannot shake that feeling for days!

I want to be able to do things that are supposed to be fun and entertaining. I want to be able to attend a baseball game without mentally exhausting myself. I want to go to the movies or a concert, a play and even attend my niece’s soccer games but each of these things makes me anxious.

Not everyone understands what I deal with and it’s not easy to convey these thoughts to help those near me know me a little better. If you or a loved one is struggling with Social Anxiety, please, please be kind (I know I say this a lot but please believe me, it matters). Be mindful of how different an anxious brain operates and how tiring it can be. If they do happen to tag along to a baseball game, ask them if they are okay, tell them that everything will be alright. Most of the time we feel like a burned and one word of support and encouragement can make a world of difference.

Public Transportation

“Once you become self-conscious, there is no end to it; once you start to doubt, 

there is no room for anything else.” 
― Mignon McLaughlin

By Rey P.

For years all I did was use public transportation to get around. It was one of those things that I had to do no matter what. When I was younger it didn’t bother me as much as it does now. The last time I was on a bus was a little over a year now. The commute was not that long (2 bus transfers in 45 min). Thought the ride was not long in terms of distance, the amount spent waiting for the bus and then stopping every few minutes to let passengers on or off. Social Anxiety turns a seemingly short ride into an ordeal composed of panic and intrusive thoughts.

It begins at the bus stop. Sometimes ­–if I’m lucky– I will find it empty. That doesn’t mean my anxiety is gone. While I wait, I see cars go by and I feel that the drivers and passengers in every car turn to look at me. My rational mind knows that that is ridiculous. For one, the cars are moving at speeds that would make it a bit difficult for people in them to turn, judge, and laugh. But the problem is that I don’t think about those things while I am in panic mode. My rational mind sees that and makes sense of that until I’m in the safety of home.

While I am concerned and hyper-aware of the cars that drive by I also must remember where I am and begin to see that my fellow passenger begin to gather. This is where I take my phone out of my pocket and pretend I am busy with it. All the while my thoughts begin:

They’re looking at me.

They think I look stupid.

They’re making fun of the way I'm dressed.

My heartbeat accelerates and my hands begin to shake. Then I see the but approaching. You’d think I’d feel relieved but my anxiety does not let go. As the bus approaches I begin to think:

What if I fall when Ion?

What if I can’t find my fare money?

What if I drop the money and everyone looks at me?

What if I make the bus driver impatient?

I hop on with my money in hand and safely put it in the machine. Meanwhile, there are people behind me waiting to get on. My thoughts continue, full speed. They think you’re slow. They will get impatient. Hurry up, hurry!

Once I pay my fare and turn to find a seat, another wave of anxiety and thoughts hit. Everyone is facing forward so of course, they all must be looking at me, right? It certainly feels that way. I want to look down; look away but how will I find a seat? There are people behind me and I must hurry or else they will become impatient.  If I am lucky, I will find an empty seat with no one else in it. I walk there and sit down and wait to see who will choose to sit next to me. Do I take the window seat or the aisle seat? If I take the window seat and someone sits next to me on the aisle side, how will I get off when I get to my stop? If I take the aisle and someone wants to sit next to me on the window seat I have to move to let them by. This all happens within seconds but to me, it feels so much longer. Once I sit I begin to relax. I can breathe more easily. I open my book and begin to read and instantly my anxiety level decreases a few notches. Good.

Here comes my stop. I always hope that others exit the bus with me or else I feel completely exposed. If no one gets off at my stop I feel all eyes are on me. I feel everyone staring and the panic begins. What if I fall as I step off? Are they laughing at me? I think they are. They must be.

Once I step off the bus and make my way to my destination, I am completely exhausted.

Using public transportation should be an ordinary and easy thing to do. Millions of people do it every day. It is especially difficult if you live with daily anxiety. If you are like me and have to use public transpiration please, please, please know you are not alone. Don’t be too hard on yourself. If your loved one struggles with Social Anxiety, please understand what they go thought every single day.  Sometimes the anxiety cannot be seen or detected in another person. Please be kind to people you see on the bus or walking down the street. You never know who hides behind a smile. 

“Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.” 
― Mark Twain

Work in Progress

“Your purpose in life is to find your purpose and give your whole heart and soul to it” 

― Gautama Buddha

By R.P.

Living with Social Anxiety is not easy. Being part of society can be debilitating and the thing is WE HAVE TO. In order to survive, we need to be part of it. We need jobs, we have bills to pay and we have to eat, obviously. I can say that Social Anxiety has put me in a bad spot but I also have to place some blame on myself. After all, I am in charge of my life, right? Well, it isn’t that simple.

Over the past two years, I have attempted at least half a dozen job changes. Currently, my job at a grocery store has become extremely stressful as I am dealing with PTSD, which has recently been triggered by a new position (a different story for a different time). Anyhow, here is what go through when searching for a new job:

I get animated and feel confident that this time it will be different. I am a computer nerd. I am always looking to learn new things and implement what I learn in different ways. I am confident that my skills are strong enough to not only find a proper job, but to thrive! The application process is not as bad one would think and once I get called in for an interview, my confidence increases. The interviews that I have attended have gone smoothly and my anxiety appears to be under control. Once an offer is made I am ecstatic and my confidence doubles. At times I don’t recognize myself and want to believe that this time, yes finally this time will be different. This is it!

As the first day approaches, my anxiety slowly creeps in. I begin to doubt myself as my anxious mind takes over.  Still, I am able to make it through those days. It’s amazing to me how I can go from feeling so alive and invincible to feeling small and irrelevant.  When the first day arrives I am a complete mess. I arrive at the site and sit in my car for what feels like hours, unable to move. I will myself to walk inside but I can’t. I have a complete meltdown and I fall into a deep hole where my intrusive thoughts feast on my weakness:

-You are not cut out for this.

-You have no business being here.

-Nobody will like you.

-They will make fun of you.

-Imagine all the eyes that will be on you.

-They will think you are not good enough.

-You are not good enough, actually.

-You can’t do this.

I drive back home feeling defeated. I don’t even have the decency to contact management and let them know I am unable to go in. This happens EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. No matter how hard I try, I fail. So I continue to deal with my current job unable to tell management why it is that I can't be behind a cash register. (Again, a story for another time)

Patience has a different meaning for people with anxiety ­–at least for me. First I must be patient with myself. I need to remember that I am not the only one in the world dealing with this illness. There are millions, who like me, struggle to make a living. I also know that many others who deal with this illness have good jobs and can function day to day. I want to believe that one day I will part of that.

If your loved one is struggling to make a living due to anxiety, I ask for your patience. They are not lazy; they are not taking it easy nor are they enjoying asking for or accepting help. Know that they are in a constant battle with themselves. No, they don’t deal with the stresses of daily life, of deadlines and emails, meeting and traffic. Their stress is born out of desperation of not having a job, having to pay bills and not knowing how they will make it through the next month. Please be kind.

If you are struggling to find work due to anxiety, please be patient with yourself. Remember that you are not alone. Take care of yourself and never feel that you are not doing enough, that you are not contributing because you are, even when you feel otherwise. We are in this together.

Going for a Walk

“All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking.” 

― Friedrich Nietzsche

By Rey P.

My New Year’s resolution this year is to get out of the house and walk more. You’d think walking is one of the most relaxing things to do. To exercise and get your body moving. As a socially anxious person, I can tell you that walking outside is yet another trigger. Sometimes the anxiety gets so bad that as soon as I step out of the house, I change my mind and turn around.

When I do make it out of the house I deal with intrusive thoughts from the very beginning. I usually wear earbuds and dark sunglasses to avoid making eye contact with those I may encounter along my route. The music that I listen to helps me keep focused and also as an attempt to drown my thoughts. This is what I deal with while I am out walking:

I look ahead and see someone walking towards me and I begin to get nervous. What will they think of me? What if they laugh at how I look? What if they think I dress funny?

Living in a big city isn’t ideal for a pleasant walk. Too many people around. I walk past with my head down and once they have passed, I release my breath. This happens every single time I encounter anyone. Next are the drivers. I come upon a stop sign where a car waits for me to cross. I immediately feel the driver’s eyes on me. I walk as fast as I can, with y head down. I dare not look up. I feel if I do, the drivers and passengers will all be looking at me. Judging me, making fun of the way I walk.  Now I have to cross the main street where too many cars await the green light. I walk across the street as they stare (at least I feel they are). Same thoughts run through my anxious mind. They are surely judging how I walk, how I look, and what I’m wearing.

By the time I get home, I am both physically and emotionally exhausted, and it takes me quite a while to gather myself.

My space at home is much too small for a treadmill. I could go out, drive to a more empty area, hiking trails, a park, the beach. But being away from home for a long time makes me even more anxious. My walking route is about a 5-mile radius from home (my comfort zone). On the rare occasion, I do go out to a park, especially when it appears to be empty. Joining a gym is completely out of the question.

There are a lot of things that are difficult for a socially anxious person to do. No, we are not lazy to go on walks or to exercise. We simply cannot function as a normal person. We need preparation time, not only in body as far as stretching and warming up. We need to prepare mentally.

If your loved one is struggling with social anxiety (or general anxiety for that matter) please, please, be patient and kind. Don’t push them or make them feel like they're lazy. Support them, encourage them in a way that isn’t judgmental. Most important, understand them. Be kind.